Wednesday, January 8, 2014

it's hard to love yourself

i've always been tall and skinny. i remember when i was little my Polish paternal grandma always heaped an extra helping of food on my plate with a wink and a quip about how i need some meat on those bones. when i was in middle school rumors circulated that i was anorexic. but that's all changed in the past few years. i grew a few inches in every direction. my breasts filled out to a double-D cup, my hips widened, i grew inches taller, and i developed a doughy cushion of pudge around my belly button. i am by no means fat, but i am no longer skinny.

my mother's side of the family is long and lanky - until my growth spurt everyone said i took after them. mom's high school nickname was totem pole. she weighed 110 lbs at her wedding. she didn't have any health issues, it was just her body type. it's become more and more evident that i have more of my dad's side in me than anyone thought. his family is full of sturdy, rotund Polish women who always smell of kielbasa sausage. it took me awhile to come to terms with my curves. growing up around old pictures of my rod-thin mother and grandmother and aunts made me very self-conscious when i realized that i didn't look like them. i struggled with the fact that i weighed 150 lbs at 15 when my mother didn't reach 100 til she was in college. 

i have finally become comfortable with the fact that my figure is actually pretty rad. but here's the thing. people still call me skinny. they say it like it's a bad word. i see other girls look at me and i know that they're seeing old me, prepubescent me. skinny me. but i'm not like that anymore. i ran into a lot of scrutiny from other girls when i was still struggling with accepting my physique. they saw me as skinny, and therefore thought that i didn't have a right to complain or feel uncomfortable with my body. though i weighed 10 lbs more than most of these girls, they chalked it up to my height and insisted that i was a stick, while they were a log. they would use me, a fellow log, to justify their deluded self-depreciation, and it made me quite uncomfortable. i don't stand for this anymore. when somebody compares my body to theirs i immediately shut them down. but it's confusing and upsetting how my peers can be so wrong about my body and theirs.

and then there are the people who call me fat. like my maternal grandmother. well, she doesn't say it explicitly, but i've taken the hint from her little jabs about my eating habits. on christmas she told me that if i ate another chocolate truffle i'd be the size of a house (with a "joking" chuckle, of course). the first time she met my boyfriend she commented on how i'd better cut back on the milkshakes or else she'd have to take me shopping for new jeans. i'd had my wisdom teeth out the week before. new years eve i wore a fitted velvet dress i'd found at a vintage store downtown. her comment? "good thing you're wearing it now, while it still fits." i love my grammy. she means well. i know that she's just concerned about my health. my dad's family has a history of weight problems that have led to high cholesterol, strokes, diabetes, and premature arthritis in many of my family members. i get that she's concerned. but calling me fat or warning that i'll get fat if i don't stop eating isn't constructive. it hurts so much to hear those comments from someone you love and respect. nobody deserves to cry themselves to sleep on christmas because of body shaming. and that's why it needs to stop.

i am happy with my shape. my body is beautiful, every curve and freckle and dyed-ginger curl. nothing that anyone says can convince me otherwise. i eat what i want because i enjoy it, and even though i might drink a lot of milkshakes and munch on a few too many hershey's special dark chocolate bars, and it may cause me to have a little extra padding, i don't think there's anything wrong with that. but when people are constantly questioning it, my confidence waivers. i feel weaker and more vulnerable. no matter how much i just want to thrust my middle finger in the air and declare my love for myself, the constant commentary on my weight and body type makes me second guess myself all the time. i want to love myself. i try. but it's hard. it's hard to love yourself.

Friday, December 20, 2013

holiday haze

it's been awhile, huh? i know every time i post i apologize profusely for the ridiculous amount of time i've been away, but it's been super long this time and i'm super sorry.

quick update: after marching band stopped i went back to working at the shop where i interned over the summer, and now i get paid.

for halloween i was ms. frizzle from the magic schoolbus.

at the beginning of november i went to national portfolio day in atlanta, where prospective art students bring their portfolios and present them to representatives from different art schools from all over the country. i got some really great feedback - my technique is great, but apparently i need to develop my subject matter more. i have tons of ideas now, and i've been creating nonstop ever since.

over thanksgiving break i got my wisdom teeth removed, and that was rough. i had some complications, but now i'm okay. today is the last day of school before the winter holiday, and i'm finally done with midterms and final projects and all. i was so stressed last week i almost had a breakdown, but i got my shit together somehow and was able to get everything done and turned in. i'm going to be staying home for christmas for the first time in a long time (we usually go up north to visit my dad's family), so that'll be fun.

my pet snake salazar passed away last week. i was quite upset. i'll miss my sal-baby lots.

i'm super excited because me and my mom and grandmother and cousin are going to new york city in january! i've never been before. my first choice college is pratt institute, so we're going to visit the campus. we're also going to see a few shows on broadway and visit the metropolitan museum of art and maybe the museum of natural history and moma. we've been talking about organizing a trip to nyc since my cousin and i were wee little things, and now it's finally coming true, the weekend of her 16th birthday, and just before my 17th! it's going to be so wonderful, i can hardly wait.
i love you guys. thanks for being awesome followers. have a fantastic holiday!

Sunday, September 22, 2013

you can call me queen bee

hello there! i was feeling particularly fabulous today plus i haven't done an outfit post in ages, so here we go!
sunglasses from charlotte russe

dress from goodwill, belt from community, shoes from rack room

feelin fierce
(please ignore the grill in the background)

mac foundation, maybelline great lash mascara and stiletto liquid eyeliner
also i'm obsessed with lorde and her ep - if you havent heard royals you're probably living under a rock, but ill put it here anyway because its my jam :)

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

its almost my blogging anniversary guys

almost exactly a year ago i started my first ever blog. it was a literature blog that i did for extra credit in my 10th grade lit/comp class because my teacher noticed that i was incredibly bored in her class and needed something to do. it was called "adventures of a teenage glamingo". unfortunately since it was for school i couldn't always say exactly what i thought about some stuff that i wrote about, and eventually i just got discouraged and quit blogging. then a few months later i started this little gem right here, and let me tell you, i am so glad i did. you girls, my followers, are some of the most rad people i have ever almost met, and every time you comment on one of my posts it makes my day. i love you all very much. that you take time out of your day to read my random musings just blows me away. thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

i'm taking AP language right now, which i LOVE, and it's really been making me think more about how much i truly love writing and reading and just the world of words. so i decided to reboot my old lit blog, shake off the dust, re-name and re-design her, and try her on for size again. if you like my writing, or are interested in seeing what i have to say about books and language and the art of word-weaving, visit Diary of a Literature Addict. i have posted pretty much every story and poem worth sharing that i've written on there, and i plan to start with some book talk and stuff soon. please check it out!!!

and yet again, i cannot stress enough how happy i am to have you wonderful people following my blog.

much love,


Wednesday, September 4, 2013

If I see another swath of red fabric I swear I'll scream

Hey there folks. It's been an obscenely long time since I've posted, and for that I apologize greatly! I suck! Please feel free to throw tomatoes at my face! (Perhaps I've been watching too much Merlin...) Aaanyway, the reason I haven't been keeping up with my blog is that school started here in Stupidland, USA the second week of August and I have been ridiculously busy ever since.

My first day of school outfit. What do you think? Comment with your favorite back-to-school outfit and/or memory :)

So this year may prove to be a bit tough. Not only do I have 4 AP classes (for those of you who aren't familiar, those are super advanced college level classes where if you pass a major test at the end of the year you get a college credit), but I also have rather stupidly taken up the task of singlehandedly making 16 red flamenco skirts for the marching band's flagline. So every moment of my time that has not been dedicated to studying or marching band has been spent making red ruffled circle skirts. Which hasn't been all that awful except for the fact that making the exact same thing over and over again 16 times gets REALLY FREAKING BORING. So that's why I've been a virtual recluse of late.

Due to my lack of spare time I've also had to postpone starting my job at the redesign boutique until marching band season is over with, which is sad. Luckily I work with amazing and understanding
people who are very flexible and willing to help.

One plus to starting school is that it's gotten me writing and making art again! Two of my AP classes
are AP Language and AP Art, and I have brilliant teachers in both that have really been pushing me to excel in my work. I'll post some of my latest pieces soon!

In other news, I have a fabulous new pet! He is a baby ring neck snake. I found him on the floor in my room and he was just too cute not to keep! His name is Salazar. He's about the size of an earthworm, and he likes to curl himself around my fingers like live jewelry x)

So yeah, I've been doing pretty well despite my insane schedule. I hope you're all well!

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

i'm the leibster queen y'all

just kidding. but i have been nominated yet again for a leibster award by none other than the lovely Chloe of Rhinestone Moon (click here to check out her rad blog!)!! thanks for the nom, my dear!! :)

here are my 11 things:
1) i joined marching band this year - today was the first day of camp.
2) i play flute and piccolo.
3) i'm addicted to green popsicles.
4) i was in the new york times sunday!!! (that's me on the left, in the bluish top, with a red ponytail)
5) i sleep with a stuffed animal called Bunny, who has the head and arms of a rabbit but whose body is a blanket. i've had her since i was born. she's so worn out that she went from the bright pink she was when we got her to a worn out grayish-whitish-pink color and her glass eyes are cracked from going through the wash (i joke that she has cataracts)
6) i just re-read the mortal instruments series by cassandra clare and i'm SUPER excited for the movie.
7) i'm one of those people who can read a book and see the movie later and still appreciate the movie, though i know in most cases the book is still waaay better.
8) i'm not a morning person. at all. my brain doesn't function fully until past 10 am.
9) my dog daisy is afraid of thunder so we had to get her this special jacket called a thundershirt that keeps constant pressure on her body so she feels secure and doesn't freak out as much.
10) i have an irrational phobia of having adhesive stuff on my skin. it makes me want to puke.
11) we've been getting a TON of rain lately and we just discovered that there's a leak in our basement, which is where my room is, and now we have mold in our walls, which i am highly allergic to. so i've been walking around looking like i've got two black eyes and a really bad cold for the past few weeks and i've wound up having to sleep upstairs on the couch so i don't get any sicker. yay me.

and here are my answers to Chloe's 11 questions:
1.) Who was your first music obsession?
okay please don't laugh, i didn't develop a good taste in music until like 3 years ago, but it was hannah montana/miley cyrus. i adored her with a passion. i owned my own hannah montana wig, had all her albums, never missed an episode on premier night - it was bad. my first REAL musical obsession was florence and the machine, and it still hasn't faded :)
2.) Are you religious?
yes, but not in a cram-it-down-your-throat, if-you-don't-believe-what-i-do-you'll-burn-in-the-fiery-depths-of-hell type way. i was raised and confirmed catholic and i really enjoy my religion and my church.
3.) How far have you traveled?
the farthest i've gone out of the US was to the UK, on a girl scouts trip (centenary camp 2010, yo!)
4.) What is your favorite school subject?
art! and i love english/language arts as well.
5.) Who is your favorite designer?
oh jesus don't torture me with this question i don't know... i admire alexander mcqueen insanely and coco chanel is one of my heros, and i adore meadham kirchoff.
6.) What's your favorite book?
again with the hard questions! i don't have one. honestly i read so much i can't even begin to choose. i'm a HUGE harry potter fan, and i love the mortal instruments and anything by john green. see my books/music tab for a full list x)
7.) Do you have any pets?
yup! a dog named daisy and a bunny named mocha.
8.) What is the one outfit you can't live without out?
my canopy studio tank top (it has the logo of my trapeze studio on it and its so freakin comfy i can't go a week without wearing it at least twice) and some high-waisted denim cutoffs with a cute belt and my lace-up boots.
9.) What historical character living or dead would you hang out with?
jk rowling, john green, jane austen, agatha christie. i can't choose but it'd probably be one of them.
10.) What was your most embarrassing moment?
ha. haha. um... i don't have one particular moment, but i do remember one time i was at girl scouts camp and i saw a really pretty, lonely looking girl and i went up to her and told her i thought she was really pretty, because i did, and my friends were laughing at me for going up to a total stranger cuz im weird like that and i guess she thought i was making fun of her so she gave me this hurt look and said "thanks" all quiet. and i didn't realize til i walked away that she had misinterpreted my compliment. i almost cried, i felt so bad. luckily i found her at the end of camp and told her that i truly did think she was beautiful and apologized and we made up. but yeah. embarrassing.
11.) What were you for Halloween last year?
a flamingo!!!

i'm not gonna specifically nominate any peeps cuz i'm lazy and i already did it in my last leibster post but i'm openly nominating alll of my wonderful readers who want to accept the award! so if you'd like to, answer these questions:

1) What was your favorite book as a child?
2) What's the biggest/longest fight you've ever had with a friend or boy/girlfriend?
3) What's your favorite holiday, and why?
4) What would you consider your spirit animal (animal you most identify with)?
5) Favorite artist/designer/musician?
6) What hobbies do you do?
7) Do you play an instrument or sing?
8) What celebrity would you most like to meet?
9) Do you have siblings? How many? Older or younger?
10) Describe yourself in 10 words.
11) What got you started blogging?

don't forget to gimme a link if you decide to accept ;) love you!! yes you!!!

Friday, July 12, 2013


SOOOO i'm super excited because my picture is in the NY Times today!!! they did a travel article on my hometown, and one of the featured locations in the article was Community, the place where i's the link to the article (that's me on the left, in the blue top, with the crazy red hair). the photographer came in a few weeks ago and snapped some shots of the store, but i had no idea i was in one, let alone that it was chosen for the article!!

ALSOOOO i've just been hired as a paid re-designer at Community! i've been an unpaid intern all summer, but the owner was so impressed with my work that she offered to take me on as a paid staff member come august. so yay! money!

it's a happy happy day over here in lizzyland. more interesting posts soon, i promise! xoxo