Tuesday, May 7, 2013

resisting the urge to slap somebody, my favorite tv/movie mean girls, and the ultimate wtf song

i've been being a bit of a bitch lately. not on purpose! in fact, i'm not really sure why. i'm just really pissy and in a screw the world kind of mood of late. i think it's sleep deprivation and PMS and residual stress from being in the hospital. i don't know. but what pisses me off even more is that apparently it's hard for everyone to grasp that sweet lizzy can be sarcastic, cynical, and (god forbid) ANGRY. i'm typically a very even-keel person, so it is a bit weird that i've been so moody. i have been trying to rein it in! it's just much harder than usual to keep myself from stabbing anyone with a pair of sewing scissors or throw a flamingo paperweight at their head. it's been really difficult for me to keep my temper in check lately, especially when my family has been kinda hovery-smothery-lovey-dovey-won't-leave-me-aloney. and i am one of those people who just needs to be left alone when i'm in a bad mood.

but enough whining. i've decided, since i've been feeling so bitchy lately, to compile a list of my top favorite tv and movie mean girls (in no particular order). partially to prove to myself that in comparison i'm not actually being that bad, and partially to keep myself from getting worse. and also just because mean girls can be really fascinating and entertaining. these ladies are total and utter royal bitches, and they don't give a shit about it. and i love/hate/admire them for it.

kathryn merteuil
cruel intentions
played by sarah michelle gellar
kathryn is an evil nymphomaniac stepsister who plays everyone in her life like toys, and is the master of revenge. when she and her stepbrother sebastian make a wager on the virginity of  pure   new girl annette, sebastian and annette end up falling in love. so what's more amusing than breaking both of their hearts through cold manipulation? to kathryn, nothing.
best quote: "You were very much in love with her. And you're still in love with her. But it amused me to make you ashamed of it. You gave up on the first person you ever loved because I threatened your reputation. Don't you get it? You're just a toy, Sebastian. A little toy I like to play with. And now you've completely blown it with her. I think it's the saddest thing I've ever heard."

sadie saxton
played by molly tarlov
the queen of slut-shaming and ruining reputations, sadie is the arch-nemesis of jenna hamilton on awkward. every time she opens her mouth you're guaranteed to get burned. she's a bitch and proud of it. you're welcome.
best quote: "What's up suicidal slut? [Sadie shoves a dollar in Jenna's shirt.] Get used to it, sex is gonna pay your way through college. You're welcome."

bellatrix lestrange
 harry potter
played by helena bonham carter
bellatrix is the batshit-crazy right hand woman to lord voldemort in the harry potter series. in the goblet of fire she breaks out of azkaban, and from then on this pureblood-supremacist witch is on the prowl, torturing muggles and mudbloods for entertainment's sake. she kills harry's godfather in the order of the phoenix, and tortured neville longbottom's parents to the point of insanity during the first wizarding war. this chick is bad to the bone.
best quote: "[singing] I killed Sirius Black! I killed Sirius Black!"

heather chandler
played by kim walker
heather is the leader of the heathers, the most popular clique in school, and the owner of the coveted red scrunchie. her bitch moves include using the main character veronica's head as a croquet stake and sending fake love notes to the school losers like martha dumptruck. eventually her reign of terror ends in death, only to be picked back up by her second in command, heather duke.
best quote: "Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Do I look like Mother Teresa?"

regina george
mean girls
played by rachel mcadams
regina george is... well, i'll let the movie explain it.

Janis: Regina George... How do I begin to explain Regina George? 
Emma Gerber: Regina George is flawless. 
Mathlete Tim Pak: I hear her hair's insured for $10,000. 
Amber D'Alessio: I hear she does car commercials... in Japan. 
Kristen Hadley: Her favorite movie is Varsity Blues. 
Short Girl: One time she met John Stamos on a plane... 
Jessica Lopez: - And he told her she was pretty. 
Bethany Byrd: One time she punched me in the face... it was awesome.

best quote: "Do you know what people say about you? They say you are homeschooled jungle freak who's a less hot version of me. So don't try to act all innocent. You can take that fake apology and shove it straight up your hairy little... [gets hit by a schoolbus]"

caroline lee 
the lizzie bennet diaries
played by jessica jade andres
caroline lee is a modern day adaption of pride and prejudice's caroline bingley in the youtube series the lizzie bennet diaries, based on the classic by jane austen (which you MUST watch!!). caroline is one of those secret bitches. you think she's all sweet as can be this whole time and you don't realize she's a mean girl til the very end. but it turns out that from the very beginning of the series she's been sneakily conniving to split up lizzie's sister jane and caroline's brother, bing, through lies, rumors, and fake friendship. talk about frienemies.
best quote: "Oh, please! Bing has never made a decision of that magnitude in his life! He isn't capable of it. But you, Lizzie Bennett, are more than capable of manipulating him."

santana lopez
played by naya rivera
santana is a sarcastic and demanding cheerio with no shame in saying exactly what she feels. she always has a biting quip at the ready. we find out later in the series that santana has a lot of insecurities and feelingz from which her meanness stems, but that doesn't change the fact that this chick can be a downright bitch sometimes.
best quote: "You're not fat. I should know, I slept with you. I mean, at some point I must have liked that you look like a taco addict who's had one too many back alley liposuctions."

queen ravenna
snow white and the huntsman
played by charlize theron
this evil queen is the selfish tyrant of the kingdom in which the movie takes place - a position she took through pure evil manipulation and conniving, so she could use her power to start a huge war. she uses her looks to play those around her like pawns on a chessboard, and when a new lady of the land takes the title "fairest of the land", she will stop at absolutely nothing to eliminate the threat.
best quote: "By fairest blood it was done, and only by fairest blood can it be undone. You were the only one who could break the spell and destroy me. You're the only one pure enough to save me. You don't even realize how lucky you are to never to know what it is to grow old!"

sarah o'brien
downton abbey
played by siobhan finneran
as the ladies' maid to the mistress of downton abbey, ms. o'brien holds a high position in the household, and she hasn't always used her power for good. o'brien is never really happy, and the only friend she has is the equally manipulative manservant thomas barrow. the two are cohorts in undermining their fellow servants in order to advance their positions in the household.
best quote: "I'm sorry but I have standards. And if anyone thinks I'm going to pull my forelock and curtsy to this Mister Nobody from Nowhere..."

marianne bryant
played by amanda bynes
marianne is the bible-thumping mean girl of north ojai high, and when she hears of main character olive penderghast's (fake) shenanigans, she will stop at nothing to rid the school of olive and her "slutty" ways.
best quote(s): "Jesus tells us to love everyone, even the whores and the homosexuals. But it's so hard, it's so hard because they keep doing it, over and over again! [tears up]"
and: "Marianne: There's a higher power that will judge you for your indecency.
Olive: [winces] Ah, Tom Cruise?"

*photo links in the captions*

now let me clear something up: i'm not going to try and be just like these girls. i do admire the aspect of the stereotypical mean girl that is badass and speaks her mind, but being a bitch to everyone just for the sake of it and and not caring about it is not cool. and that's not me. i'm generally a very sweet person (or so ive been told). but this list is a reminder that a) it's okay to feel nasty every once in awhile, and b) as long as i don't start worshipping heather chandler as my virgin mary idol, i probably don't have to worry about becoming a bona-fide mean girl. because i'm not mean. i'm just allowed to bitch every once in awhile.

and now as a bit of a pick-me-up, a song that all of the above ladies probably have on their ipods. literally titled "are you fucking kidding me?" by kate miller heidke. this song makes my day every time i hear it. it's the ultimate screw you anthem.

i hope the vindictiveness of this post wasn't too deterring.
toodles :)

1 comment:

  1. cool post.. I love your blog!


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