Thursday, May 2, 2013

angsty stress fest time woo

i'm sorry if this post is overly-personal, but i really need to vent.

so in case you haven't noticed, i'm a bit prone to stress and anxiety. i have GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) and recurring clinical depression. it's a part of who i am. so i often have bouts of extreme anxiety that end in intense meltdowns. which is what happened yesterday.and i'm also very much an avoider, so i often don't realize how stressed i am until it's too late and it all explodes in my face. so here's what happened.

ever since my little vacation to the hospital ive been feeling very out of control, and i'm a bit of a control freak, so that's not exactly a recipe for happy times. when i was there i had no control over anything, including my body. i kept having episodes of jerking and thrashing where i would get disoriented and even hallucinate, and that was so scary to me because i didn't know what was going on or where i was. i had no control over my actions whatsoever. and that wasn't the only thing i didn't have control over. the doctors and my parents, however wonderful and caring they were, made all my decisions for me. i felt utterly helpless. i'm beginning to realize that the reason i was so adamant about dyeing my hair as soon as i got out of the hospital was because it was something i could control, something that i wanted to happen that would reinstate me as owner and operator of my body. and that didn't even turn out how i wanted it. because i was so impatient to get my hair dyed, i went the shortcut route and did demi-permanent dye at home. and it didn't turn out how i wanted it at all. now my hair is a sort of dull auburn with a few reddish highlights, not the knockout weasley red i was going for. and i think that was the final straw for me.

so yesterday i went to my therapist and i vented about how upset and out of control i felt, and i ended up sobbing and getting really worked up. on the way home my mom and had a bit of a tiff because i kind of blamed her for my lack of control. by the time i got home i was in full-out hysteria, and i locked myself in the car and cried violently for about an hour. to make things worse, my family doesn't really understand the concept of "leaving people alone to cry when they're upset". they mean well, but literally every member of my family came and tried to open up the car and talk to me at least twice. apparently me screaming "GO THE F*CK AWAY" the first time didn't get the message across too well. i love my family, don't get me wrong. but when i'm in hysterics i need to be left alone unless i ask for somebody to be with me, and they don't really get that. after a while i finally calmed myself down and apologized to my mom for blaming her when she was trying to help. we called my hairdresser to see if i can get an appointment soon to fix my hair exactly how i want it. it all seemed pretty okay from there.

until mother nature decided to send me a giant "F YOU" in the form of the red sea flowing from my uterus. early, of course. wonderful. so i part with this, which is pretty much a blow by blow chronicle of my night:

bye for now!

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