i'm sorry if this post is just a huge angsty word-vomit. tonight i found this set of pictures on my friend's tumblr. it really spoke to me - actually i ended up crying when i read it. i have suffered from anxiety my entire life, and this pretty much explains how i feel, and how i'm treated by my friends and loved ones.
anxiety is a tough disorder. it's really hard to handle sometimes - a lot of people, including my dad, think that it's all in my head, and i can stop being anxious at any time. but it's not like that. anxiety is a real disorder that has physical and emotional effects. the thing is, i get my anxiety from my dad. he is a huge perfectionist, and he's always pushed me to be the best of the best. i suppose i inherited his perfectionism, because i have lived my entire life so far in fear of failure. the thought of messing up or disappointing someone, especially an authority figure, scares the ever-living shit out of me. and that all comes from him. he's been trying really hard to understand the fact that stress and anxiety and depression are real things that can hurt you physically ever since the whole hospital situation. it's hard for him to grasp though. my dad is a very literal person, very much a logical and scientific mind. the whole idea that emotions can take a toll on your physical well-being is a new one for him, and i've run into a lot of other people who are the same way.
a lot of the time people are really surprised that i'm so open about my anxiety and depression problems, but it's a part of who i am, and i'm not ashamed of it. yeah, i see a therapist weekly. sure, i'm on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills. but that shit's part of the package. i present myself to people with no illusions. i have problems. if you want to get to know me, you gotta deal. like i said, my issues are a part of me.
i have learned over the years that i can discover who my real friends are when they're still sitting with me, rubbing my back and consoling me, through the fifteenth panic attack of mine that they've witnessed, without complaining or telling me to get over myself. and let me tell you, such friends are few and far between. i've met some gems, though, like my darling perrin, who i love with all my heart.
but lately i've been feeling very lonely . my anxiety has been all wonky - down to zero one minute and off the charts the next - and nobody seems to know what to do about it, including me. i haven't been able to sleep until 4am for the past 2 weeks. and i am no insomniac. i'm one of those people who could sleep 12 hours straight, take a nap a few hours later, and still go to bed early. sleep has never been an issue for me until now.
i'm not sure how to deal with all this. my brain is sort of whirring like the wheel of a hamster on crack right now, so my thoughts are all jumbled and my emotions are running high. i just needed to vent i suppose. sorry if this makes no sense.
in other news, WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THE BUGS, YO? i live in the south, and it's starting to get warm down here. and every year i forget during the blissful winter that one of the things that inevitably heralds the coming of summer is the sudden insect infestation. i'm talking roaches in the kitchen, crickets in the bathroom, these giant fruit flies the size of fucking grapes flying around the whole house, and what the fuck even is that little beetley-lookin thing crawling up the wires of my earbuds? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW. oh, and don't even get me started on the mosquitoes. apparently i'm sweet blooded, because every time i go outside i come back in with at least ten more itchy welts than i had before. this whole situation is reminiscent of that episode of supernatural in season 1 with the killer cockroaches and shit. don't get me wrong, i'm pumped for warm weather. sundresses and cat-eye sunglasses? all for it. but no bugs. please no more bugs.